Given modern-day dating and the divorce rate, it’s clear something needs refining. Something needs to change. That could just be our perspective. Our thought process and the lens in which we’ve been viewing the world.
Some of us have been taught that getting married is the right thing to do. That’s the right way. So-called doing things the right way – is the institution of marriage the only right way? Is that the only way to be happy? Is there another perspective to consider? Has doing things the ‘right way’ been working for you?
Let me give you an example. A and B are two different men. Imagine meeting A who wants a loyal, monogamous life partnership. Maybe he was married before, maybe he wasn’t. Either way, he doesn’t want to be legally married however he would be faithful and committed to you. You don’t get involved with him for that reason since you want to be married. You’re not going to settle for what you don’t want. Rightfully so. Your belief is that kids should be born out of wedlock so they can be raised in a two-parent household plus you want the fairytale happily ever after. So you get married to B. Fast forward a few years, you’re now getting a divorce from B. You’re devastated. The fairytale is shattered. This also means your kids are not going to grow up in a two-parent household (until you get into another relationship, hopefully not too quickly). The underlying belief for you for getting married was to do things the right way. Now you’re a single mom which was exactly what you didn’t want. But get this. Had you chosen man A, you would be happy and still together, just not legally married. You would have had kids and he would be faithful and committed to you just as if you were married but you chose B, the guy who fit the picture you created in your mind which in reality did not work. Are you wrong? No. This is not about right or wrong. What I want to offer is another perspective. I want us to do the inner work to understand our beliefs and perceptions, where they came from and whether or not they’re helping or hurting us. Many of us are holding onto ideals and beliefs that are not serving us. We’re trying to do things the ‘right way’ when what we were conditioned to believe is the right way is exactly what’s holding us back. Or keeping us stuck in old patterns. It’s not helping us move forward. Think about it. How many of us were conditioned to believe the right way is going to school, getting a degree and getting a good job all while going into debt with student loans? Yet we hear of people who were high school dropouts or college dropouts who are financially rich although they didn’t do things the right way? It boils down to beliefs and perceptions. Some of what we were taught as children is not benefiting us as adults. They have kept us imprisoned as opposed to empowered.
According to an article on teenvogue.com, “love and fairytales are nice, but marriage is technically a contract, and it’s worth reading the fine print before signing your name. Historically, marriage was a business arrangement – made by and for men.” I am a proponent for what makes people happy. As I said before, if you want to be married, great. If you don’t want to be married, great. Do what works for you. You have to face yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. I remember a fellow poet at an open mic in DC spoke about how she did what she thought was right. She had gotten married, had kids, a dog, the white picket fence house…and she was miserable. She said she looked up and realized she was living a life she didn’t want. It happens. There’s no judgment. A lot of us make decisions from fear of what others are going to think. Hence why we have to have these conversations. A lot of what we do is simply because we don’t know any better. It’s what we were taught. It’s what we were conditioned to believe was right. This is why I asked the question before; is there another perspective to consider? I think given everything, it would behoove us to be willing to see things through a different lens. Or like the good book says…have a renewing of the mind.
Regardless of where you stand, know that you are worthy of love. You are deserving of love. You deserve your hearts desires. You deserve someone who couldn’t stand to do life without you. You deserve to do what’s in your best interest. Know your worth and value. You are a Queen. Don’t ever forget that.
Reference:
Why Marriage Is Sexist and Racist | Teen Vogue
Leave a Reply
Leave a reply.